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day 1 – blogging from bed (and other irrelevant facts)

i think i’m at that point in life when midnight becomes your best friend: primarily because you don’t have any other and also because of that maniacal rush of inspiration you get every time the clock (the hands, berry you idiot!) hits 12. i think its safe to assume night owls know what i mean. there is just something about staring at your ceiling in the dark that brings out the genius in you! the downside is, however, these ideas are all left for tomorrow and promptly forgotten about (this may also be the reason we don’t have a cure for cancer yet) and, so, in the spirit of creativity, i have decided to break the barriers sleep conjures and blog at midnight!

this is not going too well.

i think i may have discovered the reason our brain dismisses these ideas. midnight rushes are similar to drug highs: they are short lived! to demonstrate i shall reiterate the events following up to this very sentence.
¬berry climbs into bed and completes all the steps needed for a good night’s sleep.
¬berry’s brain decides to mock her again while she stares at her nondescript ceiling.
¬berry gets a hit of night meth aka ShortLivedInspirationOnlyAcquiredAtMidnight.
¬berry succumbs to its influence and starts her nightly ritual of keyboard clacking (not be confused with clicking) only this time with a purpose.
¬berry’s rush fades.
¬berry is left with an incomplete dream and no trace of ideas.
¬berry resorts to delineating the events of the past fifteen minutes.
¬berry types this knowing full well that she is a fanatical idiot.
¬berry sighs

(there is a moth flying around in my room and i am fairly terrified)

so the very critical and singular flaw of the SLIOAAM is its disability to persevere in a started task. despite its obvious and only downfall, SLIOAAM could have proven to be useful except when i realized it reminded me of myself: ambitious and inspired one moment, dead potato the very next. (the moth is very distracting, i can’t stop staring at while shrieking each time it gets near me)

hmm, maybe this did go well.

after many doses SLIOAAM, i came to the, hopefully, firm conclusion of pursuing these twilight ventures. the first didn’t seem to go that bad. (i really want to open the door and let it out but i’m really pant-shittingly scared)

i would want to end my debut SLIOAAM-induced post with a very profound and thoughtful quote or so but reality had just knocked on my door while laughing its head off (at the post or moth-i shall never know).

hehe.

ishallnowgodieinahole

ifonlyonewouldfitme

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how to be a judgmental ass!!! (by guest writer renowned judger and cool kid Weirdina McWeird)

hello to all my delightful friends in the internet,
my name is Weirdina and i’ll be taking over from berry (annoying twat she is!) and showing you how to perfect your judgmental skills.

1. always determine a person’s nature based on their looks
– what a person wears plays an important role in how they behave and what their personality is like. if a person wears glasses, don’t talk to them! they are nerds and spread a very contagious and lethal disease called ambition and this disease can ruin your life permanently! (much like berry she gives off prime nerd vibes!) moreover always look at the logo. if they wear anything less than haute couture stay away! those kind people are poor and are absolutely the worst! they think they can just sashay in with their cheap clothes and mix with beautiful people, well they can’t! they are below us! (berry can be a fine example she keeps offering help but she needs to take her and her cheap ass away from the perfection that is me!) so in conclusion, if a person does not look like a runway model stay away! they do nothing but ruin you.

2. put labels on everyone (and everything!)
– no one is unique. i have been studying the subject of judgement for years and all my research shows that the best way to do so is to classify everyone into groups and then sort those groups into ‘worship’ and ‘stay away’. glasses go to nerds, black clothing go to emo, blonde hair go to bitches etc. judging people and labeling them is tremendous fun and promotes a sense of satisfaction when you know you don’t belong to any of the loser categories (unless you do and in that case exit the site cuz you’re not worthy!).

3. pass remarks on every action a loser does
– once you reach the elite form of judgement and therefore popularity, make sure you constantly comment on everything the uncool people do. this will guarantee a place amongst the cool people and elevate you to supreme judger. a loser is pathetic and so are all of their actions and it is our duty to let them know.

4. tips for losers
– if you are a loser or anything below cool then you’re pathetic but since i’m a very generous person, i thought i’d help.
a. turn your back on your friends. if you get even the slightest chance to be popular, do NOT be hesitant in betraying them. popularity is, after all, the most important thing ever.
b. worship the cool kids. you never know they might be feeling generous and allow you to do their homework for them.
c. when everything else fails kill yourself. at least this you will have a minute of fame.

thanks for reading guys and keep judging! one day you might be popular! (probs not tho)

berry: IN CASE YOU DIDN’T REALIZE THIS POST IS A JOKE. WEIRDINA DOES NOT EXIST. AND DON’T JUDGE PEOPLE IT IS AN OFFENSIVE AND DEMORALIZING HABIT. NO ONE HAS THE RIGHT TO JUDGE. K BAIII!!!

Extreme Paranoia! (season 1 now available on blu-ray and dvd)

oh hi berry what have you been doing lately? wanna grab a bite? there is a new falafel place below my house.
um yeah ok. haven’t eaten a falafel in ages!
the elevator is this way c’mon!
*the elevator pings and generic friend gets in*
um berry? are you not coming?
yeah of course! its just the elevator! (awkward laughter)
*elevator creaks a bit*
NO NO WAY AM I GETTING IN THAT DEATH TRAP!!! ITS GONNA FALL AND GET STUCK ANY SECOND!!! YOU COULD DIE ANY MINUTE!!! THE ELEVATOR IS OLD AND CREAKKKYYYY!!! HOW ARE YOU STILL STANDING THERE?!? DO YOU NOT CARE ABOUT YOUR LIFE?!? ITS PRECIOUS YOU KNOW!!!
berry…its an elevator…i have mass…are you okay?
ITS AN EXCRUCIATINGLY PAINFUL DEATH WAITING TO HAPPEN!!! YOU KNOW NOTHING, GENERIC FRIEND!!!
*berry runs away screaming*

-inside the house-

i never knew you were scared of elevators. weren’t you obsessed with the one at your old building?
THAT WAS BEFORE I REALIZED HOW HAZARDOUS THEY WERE!!! ELEVATORS ARE ONE OF THE MOST DANGEROUS THINGS FOUND IN A RESIDENTIAL BUILDING!!! RIGHT NEXT TO OLD LADIES!!! I’M GONNA TAKE THE STAIRS FROM NOW ON!!!

*in front of the stairs with generic friend*
well stairs are a more healthy alternative…maybe there are benefits to be found from your fear
yeah i know!!! stairs are so much better than elevators!!!
*berry opens door*
um…hehe…generic friends first..heh
okay but are you well? you’re suddenly sweating!
pfft i’m fine! don’t worry about me in fact you should worry more about THAT NOISE THE DARK JUST EMITTED!!! I TAKE IT BACK THE STAIRCASE PROBABLY HAS A SERIAL KILLER WAITING TO STRIKE THE MINUTE THE ENERGY SAVER BULBS GO OFF!!! EVERY FREAKING CORNER HAS DANGER LURKING IN ITS MIDST ALL IT WANTS IS A SLOW PERSON TO FORGET ABOUT THE AUTOMATIC LIGHTS AND COME DOWN!!! THEN GAME OVER! BAM! DONE AND DEAD!!! YOU CAN’T BE SERIOUS THIS IS WORSE THAN THE ELEVATOR!!! OOOHHMYGOD!!! WHAT WAS THAT?!? I CAN’T SEE ANYTHING!!! I’M GONNA LEAVE BEFORE I DIE!!!
*berry runs away screaming yet again*

-back inside the house-

so how are you gonna get down now?
who says i need to go down! i don’t need to go down! do you need to go down? cuz i definitely do NOT need to go down! elevator, stairs or otherwise.
fine then! we’re all leaving now, are you sure you don’t wanna come?
of course i’m sure! you guys go have fun!
*after everyone leaves*
WHAT IN THE ENTIRE SPECTRUM OF THE UNIVERSE WAS THAT NOISE?!?!?!?!?!

dear readers,
those we’re the last words of berry ahmed. her cause of death was unknown but widely believed to be due to the neighbor’s cat. she has a loud purr. investigation is ongoing.
Weirdina McWeird
Chief officer
Internet Troll Police